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Posts Tagged ‘love’

I don’t believe in God like I once did. Instead of being my Father he has become a distant concept I’d rather not face. I’m too lost and alone to understand Love. How I long for the days of unrelenting faith. No matter the circumstances. No matter the doubts. What must I do to inherit eternal life? I’m afraid I don’t know anymore. I want God but I don’t want God. What have I become? What has brought me on this path? Sin and distraction. It is clear the seed has fallen amongst the thorns. Yet I am so choked by these thorns that I don’t see a way out. Or rather I don’t believe there is a way out. I guess my desperate prayer to this distant concept called God is a prayer to overcome my unbelief. Somehow. Someway. Because I recognize my need. And I probably should be very grateful for this feeling of need because I think this feeling of need is hope. And isn’t that what we all need? Hope. In this confusing chaotic place.

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What if I gave up the thing I love the most to completely and wholeheartedly serve God? What then could I become? Oh the possibilities! My Father and I could become one. I could finally have the eyes to see that this is all an illusion. I am a shadow of the real but only because I hide in the shadow. And you cannot be in the shadow without being in darkness. Kierkegaard said, ‘The purity of heart is to want one thing.’ And that one thing is God. He should be all I want because ultimately he is all there is anyway. Why not gouge out the eyes of periphery? Only God and only purity! But I hold on to the thing I love the most. Don’t we all? I clutch it with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind. But should not these qualities be reserved for God? He is a jealous God, but maybe he will allow me to love this thing knowing that I will be destroyed by it. In his infinite wisdom he knows that destruction will lead me to crave resurrection. And where can I find resurrection but in Christ alone? I will step out of the shadow and into light. God will have my love again. I will be ready to serve. Now, of course, I could have made my life much easier by giving up the thing I love the most at the very beginning. I could have suffered much less. Alas, I am a stupid human being. God have mercy.

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God will break you. He will make you realize he is all you need. And all this periphery you think you need will become nothing. God is your Maker and Author. How could anything or anyone else completely satisfy you? This God of love will destroy you. When this fleeting satisfaction from everything that you think is permanent fades away, he will be there and his love will invade. And this love is so powerful that you’ll be brought to tears. You’ll fall to your knees in shame and praise. This holy God will cut you down. He will make you unholy and that is a good thing. Give him glory.

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I drove home from work. I drove home from meaninglessness. But your Spirit descended. And I remembered that you’re real. I remembered your love. I found meaning.

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I hate Christianity. I hate the churches and the public leaders of this religion who suck the soul out of Jesus. There is no deeper sadness that I feel than when I realize that these tyrants have stopped so many from entering the kingdom of heaven. Their pride and arrogance is only surpassed by their ignorance of the God they claim to serve. I am tired of seeing on the television and reading on the internet the stories that only further the public’s opinion of a Christianity that is filled with hypocrisy and hate. I blame no one who wants nothing to do with this false bogus nonsense that is called Christianity. This religion is so far from the truth of Christ. The great dilemma of our time that must be solved is how to rip this beautiful Christ from the grip of an ugly religion. Those of us who love Jesus must speak up and condemn Christianity for what it has become. People are being lied to. The smoke and mirrors of religion are leading them astray. And it is so blatantly obvious! The blind are leading the blind. The Pharisees of Christianity are crucifying Jesus all over again and their ignorant followers are handing them the hammer and nails to do it. Jesus weeps. And all those who really love him weep. He is mocked and crucified as the leaders of this great falsehood smile in the shadows clutching their money and power. And you Christian leaders claim the world is evil! No! You are the real evil. The world is just misguided and partly because you have not exemplified an authentic Christianity. Because of you God is going to die and his son will be forgotten. The whole world will pass into darkness. But then like a thief in the night Christ will return and you will answer for what you have done.

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Life is fate. All is inevitable. There is suffering and joy. Accept this and nothing will harm you. You have choices of course. But these choices are illusions of control. Both good and evil will come regardless. To live is to embrace every aspect of life and realize you have no control. Life has the power. Love your fate and you will be great. Amor fati.

‘I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.’
-Friedrich Nietzsche

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Inspired by and dedicated to the children of the Hands and Feet Project in Jacmel, Haiti

We are all children

Unique but the same

Images of love

Under one name

Smiles from the soul

Counted and known

Full of purpose

We are not alone

The light shines

Glorious to the end

Nothing can stop us

Forever we ascend

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People do not understand me, but Christ does. He even understands me more than I understand myself. At times I get frustrated because I can’t physically see him. I can’t look into his eyes, or rather he can’t look into mine. The face of God is invisible. I’m jealous of the disciples. They were able to interact on an everyday human level with God incarnate. Did they realize how fortunate they were? I long to see this Christ. I know it is different now and I must see him in different ways. I must have the eyes to see. So in my most desperate hours, when I don’t feel understood, somehow I can feel his presence. Peace and love invades my soul. And I realize I am understood because God became a human being. I remember the things he taught and did, which affirmed that he intimately understood the human condition. And there is something else extraordinary about Christ. He always associated with the outcasts, and in fact, by doing so he became an outcast himself. He hung out with lepers and even touched them, which was forbidden. He drew in the dirt and sided with a prostitute instead of the religious elite. He healed the blind, who were considered cursed and unclean. He talked to the Samaritan woman at the well. Women were seen as inferior and Samaritans were despised by Jews. He chose fishermen and tax collectors to be his disciples. Fishermen were filthy, uneducated blue collar workers and tax collectors were hated by everyone. “But come follow me.” Time and time again, Christ loved those who were not allowed to be loved. Now, I’m no leper or fisherman, but in my own small way I still feel like an outcast. I’ve always felt different and outside the norm. When I read these stories about Christ loving the outcasts, I feel loved too. I feel like someone understands me. Someone has chosen me and I will follow.

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Drift

Whenever I drift away from God, he always allows an event to occur that will bring me back to him. Usually, this event is painful. A good example would be when someone mistreats me. This certainly makes me run to God, who has never mistreated me. He has always loved me. So in the midst of pain, I find God again. It’s interesting how pain and God are connected. Without it I certainly would not know him. I’d be ‘rich in spirit’ and have no need for him. But thank God I am ‘poor in spirit!’ I rush to him in my brokenness and sorrow. He accepts me with open arms even though I’ve been rejecting him. This is true love. ‘Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.’ In my pride and selfishness, he lays down his life for me constantly. He counts me as a friend. God, the Christ, is my friend! Every person I have ever known has failed me in some way, but this God never has. He refuses to leave me alone. Out of love he allows pain. He knows that I am better off with him. He will do whatever is necessary. I, of course, would want him to stop the pain. My immediate reaction is: ‘Why did you let this happen?” But after some time I realize how smart and clever God is. By allowing the pain, he brings me to my knees again. And this is where I belong. I am reminded once again that I need him. When I drift, let the pain come!

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The truth will set you free. How true! To be specific about my own circumstance, I have found the truth about love (romance). And how liberating it has been! But in order to find this truth I had to suffer. I had to experience the pain of my own naivety about romance and the female gender. I believed that romance was the end all be all of existence. And I believed the woman was to be worshiped. She was the answer to all my problems. How wrong I was!

Romance is temporary and based solely on infatuation. After some months when you start finishing each others sentences and calling each other ‘Hon’, the romance is gone. But we crave this addiction. So inevitably the relationship ends in order to find romance again! The famous “I don’t love you anymore” usually pops up here. You discover that you were not really in love with each other but rather you were in love with love. The truth is that romance is a fleeting lie. And it still is even with the people that choose to stick it out and be married for fifty years. Romantic love has long been gone in that marriage. Ultimately, they are just best friends. Romantic relationships will never truly satisfy you simply because they can’t. Nothing temporary can. Only permanence (God) can.

Furthermore, underneath the romance is a problem that plagues me, and I would imagine many more of the male gender. We put women on pedestals and we do all we can to keep them there. Maybe this is where romance comes from (or at least the kind of romance that crosses the line into idolatry). They are beautiful but not that beautiful! We ask too much of them when we treat them like gods. No matter what a girl says she doesn’t want to be treated like a god. She wants to be treated equally. The more we treat them like they’re not the more likely we will get burned.

So the great question that comes to my mind is: why bother at all? I’m too old now to deal with another broken heart. And if in marriage you just end up being best friends with someone then why not just skip the whole love and marriage thing all together. The anguish and drama of it all! Be friends to begin with and you won’t have to hear the “can we just be friends?” line ever again! The idea of being completely equal with the opposite gender is beautiful to me. We might have a few different body parts, but we are still both human beings. So why let romance get in the way of equality? No romance. No marriage. No sex. No family. No money. Just unequivocal equality. There is no reason to make each other bear unnecessary burdens.

A girl left me because she found someone who was romantic again. I left a girl because there was no romance at all. Another girl left me because the other guy had more money. Ha, love! I don’t believe in love. I believe in Love! The truth will set you free.

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