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What if I gave up the thing I love the most to completely and wholeheartedly serve God? What then could I become? Oh the possibilities! My Father and I could become one. I could finally have the eyes to see that this is all an illusion. I am a shadow of the real but only because I hide in the shadow. And you cannot be in the shadow without being in darkness. Kierkegaard said, ‘The purity of heart is to want one thing.’ And that one thing is God. He should be all I want because ultimately he is all there is anyway. Why not gouge out the eyes of periphery? Only God and only purity! But I hold on to the thing I love the most. Don’t we all? I clutch it with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind. But should not these qualities be reserved for God? He is a jealous God, but maybe he will allow me to love this thing knowing that I will be destroyed by it. In his infinite wisdom he knows that destruction will lead me to crave resurrection. And where can I find resurrection but in Christ alone? I will step out of the shadow and into light. God will have my love again. I will be ready to serve. Now, of course, I could have made my life much easier by giving up the thing I love the most at the very beginning. I could have suffered much less. Alas, I am a stupid human being. God have mercy.

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God Will Break You

God will break you. He will make you realize he is all you need. And all this periphery you think you need will become nothing. God is your Maker and Author. How could anything or anyone else completely satisfy you? This God of love will destroy you. When this fleeting satisfaction from everything that you think is permanent fades away, he will be there and his love will invade. And this love is so powerful that you’ll be brought to tears. You’ll fall to your knees in shame and praise. This holy God will cut you down. He will make you unholy and that is a good thing. Give him glory.

A Drive Home

I drove home from work. I drove home from meaninglessness. But your Spirit descended. And I remembered that you’re real. I remembered your love. I found meaning.

Pilate

My Christ, I am Pilate. What is truth? I cannot find it in this place. I look around and see the meaninglessness of it all: the chasing after money and fame and whatever else catches the eye. I become trapped in it. I think if I just have this or do this I will finally find my purpose. And I attain and attain, but I soon discover none of it satisfies. This world is a shadow of the real. I read your words and come close to the truth, but I cannot fully grasp it. So why am I here? Why are we all here? You are the hinge of history. Everything and everyone depends on you. I cannot believe you are a lunatic. I cannot believe you are a liar. I have to believe you are Lord. But why can I not be with you now? Why must I be stuck in this world between worlds where questions are never answered? My soul longs for you as the smoke and mirrors of this place lead me astray. False promises are my gods, but strip back the surface and I find nothing. Meaningless! Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! Can you not comeback, Christ? What are you waiting for? I need you. I want you. You are the author. You are the truth. And I reluctantly crucify you.

I Hate Christianity

I hate Christianity. I hate the churches and the public leaders of this religion who suck the soul out of Jesus. There is no deeper sadness that I feel than when I realize that these tyrants have stopped so many from entering the kingdom of heaven. Their pride and arrogance is only surpassed by their ignorance of the God they claim to serve. I am tired of seeing on the television and reading on the internet the stories that only further the public’s opinion of a Christianity that is filled with hypocrisy and hate. I blame no one who wants nothing to do with this false bogus nonsense that is called Christianity. This religion is so far from the truth of Christ. The great dilemma of our time that must be solved is how to rip this beautiful Christ from the grip of an ugly religion. Those of us who love Jesus must speak up and condemn Christianity for what it has become. People are being lied to. The smoke and mirrors of religion are leading them astray. And it is so blatantly obvious! The blind are leading the blind. The Pharisees of Christianity are crucifying Jesus all over again and their ignorant followers are handing them the hammer and nails to do it. Jesus weeps. And all those who really love him weep. He is mocked and crucified as the leaders of this great falsehood smile in the shadows clutching their money and power. And you Christian leaders claim the world is evil! No! You are the real evil. The world is just misguided and partly because you have not exemplified an authentic Christianity. Because of you God is going to die and his son will be forgotten. The whole world will pass into darkness. But then like a thief in the night Christ will return and you will answer for what you have done.

Selections VI

‘Two Discourses of God and Man’ by Søren Kierkegaard

‘For the highest of human tasks is for a man to allow himself to become completely persuaded that he can of himself do nothing, absolutely nothing.’

‘But in the heavens above, my reader, dwells the God who can do all things; or rather, he dwells everywhere, though men fail to perceive his presence.’

‘And the life of each human being who does not know himself, is in a deeper sense mere delusion.’

‘There is no deception when that which can disappoint us does disappoint us, but rather must we say that there is a deception when it does not.’

‘This very minute everything may be changed, and whoever does not discover this truth is always engaged in basing his life upon what is uncertain.’

‘Alas, there are many who live in all other respects without a concern for God, but who nevertheless do not omit to go to church. What a strange contradiction!’

‘Nothing can take the stillness from you except yourself.’

‘It was terrible experience when wonder vanished from life, and man despaired of himself. But it is quite as terrible for a man to know all this and more, and yet not to have experienced it; and it is most terrible that a man may know everything, and yet not have begun upon the doing of the least.’

‘He is no longer intent upon finding the place where the treasure is, for this is right at hand; he no longer seeks to find the place where God is, nor is he engaged in striving to come nearer to him, for God is at hand, quite near him, near him everywhere, in every moment omnipresent.’

‘Learn first how to be alone, and you will doubtless also learn the true worship of God, which is to think highly of God and humbly of yourself.’

Anguish

There is anguish in the world. This anguish can lead to God or no God. Even though my doubts about God are greater than they have ever been I still have to believe he exists. If he does not than my anguish is all there is. I am consumed by it. I am consumed by the unfairness of it. Some people don’t know anguish. They live in their happy little worlds and live their happy little lives. But then there are those of us who seem to breathe the anguish in. It surrounds us. God needs to exist. Without God there is only cruel imbalance between happiness and anguish among us. I can’t accept this. Though, sometimes I do. I sit in the dark, read Nietzsche, and believe this is all there is; unbearable anguish in a meaningless universe. But something miraculous always seems to happen in these situations. This thing called hope appears like a light in the dark. And isn’t having hope better than accepting the squalor of our nothingness? Doesn’t hope point to a God who is with those who anguish? Now of course we can choose to believe that there is no God because what kind of God would allow anguish in the first place? I greatly sympathize with this question. But again I think hope is better. Even if God is a lie at least I have hope. Ultimately the point I’m making is that my anguish is all the evidence I need for God. I suffer therefore I am and therefore God is. And God is because I need him to be.